If you’re living and breathing, you will experience conflict. Some people tend to have more conflict than others but everyone at some point will go through it. In order for any relationship to grow or deepen, conflict is inevitable. So, instead of avoiding the topic let’s look at some biblical principles to manage conflict.
Read Part 1 here.
3. Don’t skip the process
Filtering through conflict is difficult. We need to wade through our own emotions and other people’s junk. Why not just completely avoid it? That’s what some people try to do, which then makes conflict. Unresolved conflict never heals, it simmers. God knew we would live in a conflict filled world and so he gave us a plan and process on how to walk through it. It’s found in Matthew 18:15-20:
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. “I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”
Step 1: Verse 15: If a brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.
Most of us fail right here. We start by mulling it over in our own mind. Then we tell our three closest friends, our mom, and the hair stylist. After that, we replay in our heads how the fight will play out. It always ends with raucous applause and passionate cheering from bystanders because we triumphed over the nasty jerk! (at least that’s how it plays out in our imagination)
The scripture says simply, if he sins against you (and it’s not a needless argument), go show him his fault (filter your words) just between the two of you. I can imagine God saying: that should take care of it!
Step 2: Verse 16: If he will not listen, take one or two others with you.
In Bible times, synagogues also served as local courts in Jewish communities. Christians at that time transferred the same function to churches. In the book of Deuteronomy the judicial requirement was to always have one or two witnesses. In fact, in Old Testament history you couldn’t even speak evil of another without supporting witnesses or you were subject to a public beating. (That’s one way to stop gossipers!) This requirement of two witnesses remained standard judicial procedure among Christians.
So in 2022, how would this work? It’s not the idea that you get two or three people you know would side with you and bust into someone’s kitchen accusing them with a powerpoint display of everything they did wrong. Go to someone you trust, someone who can see both sides, who is godly, and can serve as the mediator. You are asking them to come with you because you desperately want to make right what’s wrong between the two of you. Consult with your trusted friend if the subject is a needless argument, and then ask them to help you filter your words as you lovingly confront the other person.
Step 3: Verse 17: If the offender still refuses to listen, then tell it to the church. If the church can’t convince him of his fault, then treat him as a pagan or tax collector.
Jesus is pretty serious about “hypocrisy” when it comes to people that profess they follow him. Hypocrites are people who claim one thing and live out another.
I was confused about this for a long time, if I call myself a Christian, and I sin, doesn’t that make me a hypocrite? I claim one thing but I’m living out another. Here’s the clarification: I call myself a Christian because I sin and I know I need a Savior. I would be a hypocrite if I claimed to be a Christian and claimed I never sinned.
What’s happening here is people are refusing to listen to the church. They are claiming to be one thing but not living it out, thus making themselves hypocrites. The Christian community must publicly disassociate itself from a habitually sinning professed Christian. If they didn’t disassociate that person, and stop calling them a “Christian” then it would start to give Christians a bad reputation. Have you seen this happen before?
The best part of this scripture is this, Matthew is writing down what Jesus is saying: treat him (the offender) as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Let me remind you in Matthew 9:9 Jesus saw a man sitting at the tax collectors booth and said, follow me. His name was Matthew, the man who is recording what Jesus is saying. Later Jesus is addressing the crowd again in Chapter 21 and he says:
“I tell you the truth, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did.”
When I read that passage, I thought, if someone offends me and won’t repent, I can treat them as a pagan and a tax collector! So there! I think Jesus is saying: there’s no getting out of this guys. Even when you’ve done all you can, the worst thing I’m allowing you to do, is stop calling that person a Christian, and keep beckoning them to follow after me. Keep loving them, keep associating with them, keep calling them friend, keep showing them my grace and my love, because many of them are entering the kingdom of heaven ahead of you.
4. Seek to be gracious.
It is guaranteed that, as you go through life, people will hurt and offend you. It is your choice whether you hold it against them, harboring resentment, or forgive them as Christ has offered forgiveness to you.
In 1988, a drunk driver got on Highway 71 in Kentucky. He collided head on with a school bus full of a 67 youth from First Assembly of God in Radcliff, KY. The car hit the bus at such a speed, the bus caught on fire and was literally an inferno. 27 of the people on the bus perished. The pastor preached 16 funerals in 48 hours. One of the associate pastors was the driver, and he died leaving behind three children.
One family lost their only son. That very week, many of his friends came by to offer condolences, and those parents were able to lead 27 of them into a relationship with Christ. The same number that was lost on the bus. Here is what one of the mother’s wrote in regards to this tragedy:
“I also learned the necessity of forgiveness. For Jesus to heal us, we had to begin by forgiving the drunken driver who brought the hurt. Those who hurt you cannot heal you. Only Jesus can heal you. But healing begins by forgiving the individual who has hurt you. Forgiveness doesn’t release people from accountability. We get this confused. We think if we forgive someone they should be free and not be accountable. But when we exercise forgiveness, they’re still accountable for what they’ve done. We have simply released them to God.”
What a powerful illustration of forgiveness.
Forgiveness and grace are never deserved, that’s why they are so powerful. When you are hurt, God provides miraculous grace. That grace is an invisible shield that protects you from the full impact of the hurt. The grace gives you the ability to forgive so you are protected from the long-range destruction of holding onto hurt. If you do not demand repayment from someone, Jesus will repay you with grace beyond measure.
If you are in a situation right now, where you have been deeply wronged and can’t find it in you to forgive, I have good news. You don’t have to find it in you, God will give you the grace beyond measure straight from Him.
Hebrews 4:16 “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
The healing process starts with a choice, not a feeling. I choose to forgive that person. I bless them. And I receive God’s healing.
The choice removes the thorn of resentment, allows the infection to drain out, and keeps the wound in a place of receiving healing from God. This way, his powerful grace is able to effect on your life.
Eventually, or right away, God will drop the reality of forgiveness into your heart where you feel like you have forgiven. He will change your feelings so that they follow your right choice to forgive. He will complete the healing of your heart.
You obey by forgiving. Let Him do the healing.