When you’re in conflict there are lots of ways to react. What is your typical response? Silent treatment? Crying? Door slamming? Stone-faced?
Here’s the reality: if you’re living and breathing then you will experience conflict. Some people tend to have more conflict than others but everyone at some point will go through it. In order for any relationship to grow or deepen, conflict is inevitable. So, instead of avoiding the topic let’s look at some biblical principles to manage conflict.
1. Avoid needless quarrels
Quarreling seeks a winner and a loser. At the end of the argument, someone has to be wrong and someone has to be right. It tends to force a division or choosing of sides. Quarreling tears down, usually has a hidden agenda, and comes from a person pushing in one direction.
Lets look at what the scriptures say about quarreling:
James 4:1-3 “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”
Quarreling often comes from selfish desires. The scripture says you want something but you don’t get it. You don’t have it because you don’t ask God. The scripture is challenging because it basically says ask God for what you want before you get in an argument about it with someone else!
The scripture says in Proverbs 21:9 “Better to live on the corner of a roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” Bravely written by a husband somewhere, but so true. This scripture reminds us that quarrelsome people are so frustrating to be around and to live with that the most uncomfortable of circumstances would be better.
How do you determine what is a needless argument?
Here’s some practical thoughts to ask yourself:
– In this situation, do I want to improve this relationship or just want to be right?
– If I were in their shoes, would I deserve someone to call me out on this action/attitude?
– Is there anything in my life right now that’s causing this to be blown out of proportion? (being super tired, extra emotional, another fight with someone else, etc.)
– Will it still be a big deal in the morning?
2. Filter your Speech
Proverbs 18:21 reads “The tongue has the power of life and death…” We all say things we don’t mean, especially when we’re in conflict. What we say carries weight, and the scripture says words have the power of life and death. We have to learn to think before we speak.
This doesn’t mean we never express anything we’re feeling. God gave us emotions for us to use them. All of them are allowed, it’s the actions and words attached to them we have to manage. Expressing real emotions is what God designed but we can’t sin while doing it, because if we do, the devil will get a foothold.
Ephesians 4:26-27 gives us a good reminder:
“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Also in 1 Peter 3:8-9 we see:
“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”
When it’s tempting to “one up” someone, or nonchalantly expose their lack of character, remember Peter’s words here. Don’t repay evil for evil. The kingdom of God is not a place of one for one. It doesn’t work that way. Notice, however, there is a reward for obeying these commands: it’s a blessing. But, to inherit the blessing we need to go against the very fiber of our being.